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Deep seeded issues… Man those can suck and really mess you up for the long term.

I know I’m far from perfect, especially when it comes to my past relationships. I really want to work on this and learn from my mistakes. I don’t want to have another failed marriage or end a relationship badly ever again. But why am I constantly thinking of a way out? An escape plan? Why can’t I just be happy and trust? It’s like I constantly have to make sure I can’t be hurt. I honestly think it all stems back to my dad leaving me, when him and my mom decided to get a divorce. He hurt me by leaving, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, he did. I never got those feelings out. I never got to tell him how much he hurt me. He knew it but I never got to voice it. So I think from there on out I put a wall up. Never would I be hurt again by any man. I’d be the one doing the hurting. I’d be the one leaving. “I will never be vulnerable again, blindsided by loss”, all thought’s I’d have. It hurts still. He left us all. I never got to deal with it like I should have been able to as a child. I feel like it just wasn’t discussed. So to this day it shapes who I am and how I treat relationships. Is this an excuse for my past behavior, of course not! It’s a realization and acknowledging my imperfections and finding ways to fix them. It’s me owning my mistakes and trying to find the source of my deep down hurt. Fixing the REAL problems so it can trickle up and fix the rest of my small problems. Once you eliminate the source the rest seem to follow.

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Self Love. Why is this such a hard concept for us to grasp?

I personally struggle with self love. Given all the recent changes in my life I’m starting to find out where the root of my problem was and how I could fix it. I think it boils down to being happy, truly happy with the life you’re living. I thought I was happy. Any thoughts that went against the life I was living I shut down immediately and thought of something else. I suppressed many emotions for a long time and honestly didn’t recognize I was even doing it at the time but I see it loud and clear now. I think a lot of that also tied into me not loving myself. How could I love myself if I didn’t love the life I was living? So I left a marriage behind and lost many friends (not by my choice) because I was unhappy. But because I was strong enough to do so I have discovered more of who I am and what I want in life. I feel so much more free, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know myself more and I love myself more. I have found it’s easier to accept who I am now than ever before. Do I still struggle with self love? Of course! But not nearly as much as I have. To me that means I’ve eliminated the causes of why I was hurting on the inside. I think true self love happens on the inside and protrudes outward . I’ve had many friends tell me I look so much happier now. If other’s can see it you know you’re doing something right with your life.

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Body image, something I’ve worried about most of my life.

Up until just recently I have always been incredibly strict on myself with working out and eating the right foods. My fitness journey started around 7 years ago. I was heavier than I had ever been and wanted to change it. I met my friend Amy, who was already a gym goer and knew about proper nutrition, so I started lifting here and there with her. I eventually joined the gym that she went to and we started working out together. She taught me all the basics and got me comfortable going to a gym, which I’m still great-full for to this day because lifting/exercise has become one of my favorite hobbies. (thanks Amy!)

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